A New Beginning!

Well..
This week started pretty dim and depressing.
On Sunday I was filled with anger and sadness...why did I have to have a miscarriage...why did God let this happen. It made it pretty much impossible to enjoy worship on Sunday. I pretty much was surrounded by pregnancy and babies. This added to my realization that I had gained back and more of all the weight that I had worked so hard to loose had sent me into the worst depressed state. Not only was I fat but now that I was no longer pregnant I had no excuse. The pity party that I was throwing in my head left me in a miserable mood. I went to work on Monday with the worst attitude and bit off some of my co-workers heads...I was less than fun to be around.

The next day was a little better...we had some great friends invite us over for dinner that night so I was looking forward to hanging out with someone that didn't have kids but just loved us and wanted to hang out and make us laugh. We had a great time..the food was great, the glass of wine was awesome, and the company was amazing!

Wednesday...I stayed out to late...haha..I was tired! the sad part...I was dreading going to church that night(this is not normal...I love my church family)...I did not want to hear..everything is going to be fine...or..oh, Ive been there you will get through this. Nothing that anyone could say to me would make it better...or make my baby come back...I was just plain sad and tired!

Thursday...went to work..things are looking up...I am feeling better and am looking forward to spending the evening at home with my hubby and work on my projects. I made a some great enchiladas and made some cookies for dinner at Nick and Sheri's house...and made a baby bib...its the project that I had been wanting to do but couldn't bring my heart to do it....I made one and started on my second one but ran out of bias tape...can't wait to give the finished one to Jess tomorrow for baby Paxton that was coming the next day.

Friday...got up went to my final doctor appointment for my miscarriage...got the news that everything was clear and back to normal..it's over..my nightmare is finally over...I accepted that fact...he told us that we were clear to start trying again if we hadn't already...he looked up at me and I told him we already were...he said that was great! He patted me on the knee and said hopefully I'll see you in here real soon! After that...I ran some errands since I was in town and waited for Karlye to meet me so we could go to Muddy's cupcake shop...its great...everyone go there. When we were done..I met Sheri to run her errands and went to her Dr. appt. with Dr. Giddens...yep same doc I saw earlier that same day. After that...we went and met Paxton Adam Coile in the horsepital...he was so sweet and got to hold him for a while...I think this helped me more than anyone will know....Dinner..was over at Nick and Sheri's and we had a good time...came home and got a great nights rest!

Saturday...its still early...who knows what is in store! ...well I am going to go find JoAnn's fabric store to see if they have that bias tape since no one else does...and I am going out with some girlfriends tonight...things are looking pretty good.

I can't promise that I won't cry...but I am feeling closer to normal.

What a Ride!- 8-15-09

I wrote this last saturday 8-15-09...I forgot to post it...oops!

This is long but it explains pretty much everything so....ohh and this can be graphic so don't read it if you don't want to be grossed out!

I found out that I was pregnant on July 21st.

I went to the doctor that Friday and the doctor said I was pregnant but couldn't confirm how far along I was. I had low hormone levels and we would have to wait until I could have an ultra sound to see how far along I really was. By the method of the day of your last period...I was to be due on March 25th or so. They (Doctor's office wanted me to come in again and retake my blood and hormone levels the following week so I went in and again they said the same thing. I was beginning to get worried and confused. The doctor and the nurse would never answer the questions that were flying thru my mind and I ended up having a fight with the nurse and fired them. I found a new doctor that some friends from church use and went to him. I made an appt for the 14th for my first ultra sound and meeting with him. This was on Monday the 3rd. On Tuesday night I went to the bathroom and there was brown goop when I wiped...since it was brown I didn't freak out but kept a watch on it. By wednesday night every fifth wipe or so I had a little bit of red. now...I am freaking out! Thursday morn. I called my doc (the new one) and they got me in that afternoon. After looking at my hormone levels and the fact that I was bleeding some he had me do an internal ultra sound. This showed him that the baby sac had not grown since 4 weeks and I should be at 7 1/2 weeks. He took me to his office and told me that he was 98% sure that I was going to miscarry. He wanted to take some blood to chk my hormone levels to see how quickly the miscarriage was going to occur. I grieved all night and all day on Friday( the sad fact was that I was in charge of the decorations for my best friend at church's baby shower on Saturday so I was making a diaper cake all day long ..weeping over tiny diapers).

On Friday afternoon the nurse called me and told me that Dr. Giddens wanted to see me on Monday...being confused I asked why and she said that my numbers had gone up drastically and unusually and he wanted to recheck them. She said maybe your not going to miscarry after all. I didn't want to get my hopes up but there was a little bit of me that was hoping for this miracle. I went in on Monday and they took some more blood. meanwhile on Sunday...we were to have our care group over to our house so all day long I was working, working, working. My back started to ache that afternoon and I blew it off as being tired and working so hard. By that night I was bleeding more heavily... and this continued to get worse...pain in my back, bleeding and cramps...I was sure by this point that there was no hope. On Tuesday the nurse called me and told me that my numbers had gone up again...much to my surprise. He wanted to see me again on Wednesday morning. I went in on Wed. and he wanted to do a uterine biopsy to see if that would tell us what was going on. When he did this (and by the way...way painful...put that back in your memory so you won't be surprised if you have to have that)...when he went in he said that I was already miscarrying and there was a large amount of tissue lodged at the cervix..he said that when he pulls the biopsy wand out it would more likely pull out some tissue...he did and sure enough it did...I guess since I was hoping for the best I had ignored the amount of blood that was coming out...the majority of my miscarriage happened on that day, Wednesday. I went home and painfully wept all day. He gave me pain medication to help with my terrible cramps and those help a lot. This is def. the worst thing that has ever happened to me...the pain in my heart is sometimes unbearable. I try to keep busy so I don't think about it... I went to work yesterday (Thursday) and I had been planning a surprise baby shower for my other best friend at church both of which are due in a week or so....that shower was last night...I handled it pretty well I think..no tears and only smiles...I can be very strong when I really want to be..haha. Today is the first time that i have been by myself since Wednesday morn. and I will say it is harder this morn. I will get better and I know this pain will ease up with time. The good news about all of this is that since it was an early miscarriage he said that i would be able to try again right away...as soon as I stop bleeding completely I will ovulate and we can try again. and that is what we will do!! WELL... thats what happened...i know this is long and detailed..sorry about the graphics...but i wanted you to know the true story!

A Blog!!

Well I never would have thought that I would be roped into this... but here I am!!

My dad (Danny) recently told me that I should be keeping a journal of some kind so that I can remember all the craziness that I have been going through in the last month...and I thought of a blog since that is the hip thing to do these days.

I will be posting more and more in the up coming days...but for now that is all I have got!

So in the meantime...Stay Classy San Diego!