One week later!

Well I know that there are a lot of people that are worried about me so I thought I would update everyone on how things are going.

I am doing much better...whether it is the drugs (I decided that if I was going to be in the pit of despair that I would take a half a pill of my Celexa and try to get myself back together)or the fact that I am doing better I don't know. I do feel much better! I have been taking the meds the doctor gave me to start for 8 days and I did successfully start my cycle yesterday so that is good. I have also been taking the meds the doctor gave me to help me loose weight and I have been able to cut my food portions by more than half with out feeling hungry one bit. It has been very hard since everyday at work some fancy schmancy doctor sends a basket full of delicious goodies. I have been able to not partake in most of it but the beautifully salted Cashews have been my weakness...I just have to have one or two, maybe three but thats it, stop. I don't feel skinnier yet but it has only been a week. I have been keeping busy with Christmas decorating, Christmas ornament swap parties, Christmas work parties, Christmas Decoration dirty santa parties, and of course fighting with all the other crazies for the best Christmas presents!

I did take pictures of my house with it all decorated and I would post the pics but I don't know where the download picture USB cord thingie is and I guess Keith hid it from me so I wouldn't loose it...You will just have to wait till he gets home and can do it for me..hehe

I do appreciate everyone worrying about me but please don't...I'll be ok! Life has ups and downs this just happens to be a very down time in my life...I don't think that it could be any more "Down" as last Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday so hopefully we are on our way up but who knows what God has in store...it could get worse but lets hope for "Ups". Thanks also for all the prayers...at a time when I had given up on myself there were so many people who prayed for me and I totally appreciate every single one! keep 'eem up...don't stop now...continue to help a sista out!!!

Thanks again!!! and I love you!

Let me just clarify...

Keith read my blog and and was very upset that I didn't want to live anymore...This is really not the case. I Just asked God to end the World so that everything would be over. God/Jesus coming again would End it all including my struggle. No one would have tears ever again. I would never in a BO-ZILLION years want to end my life intentionally. No suicidal thoughts...I don't want to die and give up on this life...It just would have been nice for God/Jesus to come back to earth on Wednesday night and take me to heaven so I would never have to worry again..not to mention I am hoping that the day I get to heaven I will get to meet the precious soul that I lost.

Another note to clarify--I have not given up on God and my faith...No one has ever said that I couldn't be mad at God and the way he allows things to happen. I understand that God hasn't answered my prayers in the way that I want which totally SUCKS...because it has caused me so much pain. I do know that(right now...deep in my soul) that he does answer prayers.

I also know that one day I will look back at all this and laugh and think..."Dear God..I just didn't know"...but right now...I don't know...and my heart hurts..and everywhere I look there are babies, pregnant women, children telling their mommies that they love them...every commercial that comes on the TV feel like it is aimed at me to hurt me...

Lastly...I am not a person to talk about my feelings..to other people...I used to only cry when I got realllllllly angry...I felt that tears were a sign of weakness. I was a strong, independant young lady...full of bubbly happiness, sparkling eyes and a hopeful heart...funny how things change so quickly...my favorite quote from my mom: Life is not fair-than you die...Now...I cry at everything...I feel like my sparkle is gone..my job requires me to be bubbly and do it but not without concentration..everysong I sing at church causes this horrible knot in my throat to take my voice away...and I love singing! I say all of this..to say...I don't talk about my feelings with really anyone...Keith of course but my main friends don't really know...I started this blog for me to have a way to get share my feelings..and it helps...but if you see me in public I won't talk about it...most people wouldn't even know the pain in my heart. The ones close to me can look in my eyes and notice that the sparkle is gone and know if I am okay or not.

I will be okay..but for this week...I am not! Just let me hurt..Let me heal...give me hugs and tell me you love me but don't expect me to talk about it...and please do not take this the wrong way...this is just the way I handle things...not to mention I can't talk about with out tears running down my face and I am trying to stop that...plus..in public it would ruin my makeup...and we all know how much I love Make-up!! I love everyone who reads my blog...I am glad that you do...I am glad that people can read my blog and it somehow helps them...that makes all this pain worth it. I am also glad that the people that read this can know how I really feel...seriously tho--thanks for the love, the prayers, and believing in me!

I woke up this morning!

Well...I woke up this morning...very angry I might add that I was still alive. When I went to sleep last night I begged for God to end this world so that I wouldnt have to cry anymore. You may think this is a little drastic and a little drama queenish but it is how I felt. Let me tell you about it...so maybe once I get this off my chest I can quit with the tears...

Yesterday was the start of my 54th day of my cycle...thats right almost 2 months late for my period. Don't think that I am pregnant...because I have taken by this point 4 pregnancy tests and all were negative in less than 2 min. No this was the day that I had an appoinment with my Dr. to see what was wrong with me. I explained to Dr. Giddens that I have had very regular cycles since I first started when I was like 12. Never missing a cycle except for that short time when I was pregnant. He asked me a whole slew of questions which I of course will spare you those details. Than he asked me about my weight...I told him about how I had been fat before and never missed any cycles and didn't see how that would be the reason. He asked me how fast I had gained this weight this time...of course we all know from a post before that I have gained 60+ pounds since last September/October '08. I told him this with huge fat tears welling up in my eyes...explaining that it has been a rough year and that I can't seem to kick this depression problem I have been having. He told me that my quick weight gain was the cause of my problems and this rapid weight gain and had ceased my ovulation and my cycle.

Game plan: He gave me meds to start and meds to help me loose weight. Once I start I have begun my new cycle; if I don't start again the following month I will have to start the pills again. If I can't get regular by Feb. or March I will have to get back on Birth Control for another 3 months...If that doesn't work I will have to begin fertilty drugs...Meanwhile he wants me to try and loose weight.

I remembered back from the horrid ultra sound when we saw that my baby was no longer there several months ago that I had a cyst on my ovary...I brought this up and asked if he thought that I had any reason to fear..Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome...he looked at me and said well yes..that is what we are skirting around in not so many words. He said that he was sure that I prob still had the same cyst if not more there now and those were all caused my rapid weight gain and could be why I have had trouble loosing weight here lately. You see I told him that I had been working out and had been eating much better with no real luck and thats when he offered to write me a script to help out.

After talking this through with him and the new game plan...he said: Courtney, You don't look happy...this is when I started crying and said...None of this should be happening to me...as I sucked up my tears he said a few things that I heard as...blah blah blah ( I wasn't listening)..he shook my hand and said that everything was going to ok...I was young and had my health.

I walked out to my car and sat there in the silence and felt tears run down my face..tear after tear...my heart was aching!

I caused this... yeah, I have had a real suckie go at it, but bottom line is that I ate food...and we all know that even looking at food makes me gain weight and I actually ate it. Anti- depressants+ food+ never ending bad things happening= EXTREMLEY OVERWEIGHTNESS...and this is the reason that I can't get pregnant and now I have to go and tell Keith that I am the reason that I can't give him the baby that we both want so terribly bad.

What really makes me mad is that I lost 40 pounds over a year ago so that Keith and I could have a baby..but since it took a year for Keith to get a job we had to wait till he had a job before we got pregnant...during this year wait is when I started gaining weight and all the other terrible things went on...and now I am apparently so fat I am "skirting" around infertility...WHAT....how did this happen...What did I do that I am being punished for.

I am so angry...so upset...and the worst of it is....that I feel like- prayer doesn't work. I begged...fallen on my face..weeping..pleading and praying that God would save my baby and he didn't and I prayed...with tear stained eyes and drool down my face begging for everything to be ok with me and once again..God has let me down. I know that I am not seeing the BIG picture but right now...Im terribly upset. this is where the title of this post comes from..I laid my head down on my pillow after refusing to go to church and said with a single tear...please God make this end!!

---and I woke up!