One week later!

Well I know that there are a lot of people that are worried about me so I thought I would update everyone on how things are going.

I am doing much better...whether it is the drugs (I decided that if I was going to be in the pit of despair that I would take a half a pill of my Celexa and try to get myself back together)or the fact that I am doing better I don't know. I do feel much better! I have been taking the meds the doctor gave me to start for 8 days and I did successfully start my cycle yesterday so that is good. I have also been taking the meds the doctor gave me to help me loose weight and I have been able to cut my food portions by more than half with out feeling hungry one bit. It has been very hard since everyday at work some fancy schmancy doctor sends a basket full of delicious goodies. I have been able to not partake in most of it but the beautifully salted Cashews have been my weakness...I just have to have one or two, maybe three but thats it, stop. I don't feel skinnier yet but it has only been a week. I have been keeping busy with Christmas decorating, Christmas ornament swap parties, Christmas work parties, Christmas Decoration dirty santa parties, and of course fighting with all the other crazies for the best Christmas presents!

I did take pictures of my house with it all decorated and I would post the pics but I don't know where the download picture USB cord thingie is and I guess Keith hid it from me so I wouldn't loose it...You will just have to wait till he gets home and can do it for me..hehe

I do appreciate everyone worrying about me but please don't...I'll be ok! Life has ups and downs this just happens to be a very down time in my life...I don't think that it could be any more "Down" as last Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday so hopefully we are on our way up but who knows what God has in store...it could get worse but lets hope for "Ups". Thanks also for all the prayers...at a time when I had given up on myself there were so many people who prayed for me and I totally appreciate every single one! keep 'eem up...don't stop now...continue to help a sista out!!!

Thanks again!!! and I love you!

Let me just clarify...

Keith read my blog and and was very upset that I didn't want to live anymore...This is really not the case. I Just asked God to end the World so that everything would be over. God/Jesus coming again would End it all including my struggle. No one would have tears ever again. I would never in a BO-ZILLION years want to end my life intentionally. No suicidal thoughts...I don't want to die and give up on this life...It just would have been nice for God/Jesus to come back to earth on Wednesday night and take me to heaven so I would never have to worry again..not to mention I am hoping that the day I get to heaven I will get to meet the precious soul that I lost.

Another note to clarify--I have not given up on God and my faith...No one has ever said that I couldn't be mad at God and the way he allows things to happen. I understand that God hasn't answered my prayers in the way that I want which totally SUCKS...because it has caused me so much pain. I do know that(right now...deep in my soul) that he does answer prayers.

I also know that one day I will look back at all this and laugh and think..."Dear God..I just didn't know"...but right now...I don't know...and my heart hurts..and everywhere I look there are babies, pregnant women, children telling their mommies that they love them...every commercial that comes on the TV feel like it is aimed at me to hurt me...

Lastly...I am not a person to talk about my feelings..to other people...I used to only cry when I got realllllllly angry...I felt that tears were a sign of weakness. I was a strong, independant young lady...full of bubbly happiness, sparkling eyes and a hopeful heart...funny how things change so quickly...my favorite quote from my mom: Life is not fair-than you die...Now...I cry at everything...I feel like my sparkle is gone..my job requires me to be bubbly and do it but not without concentration..everysong I sing at church causes this horrible knot in my throat to take my voice away...and I love singing! I say all of this..to say...I don't talk about my feelings with really anyone...Keith of course but my main friends don't really know...I started this blog for me to have a way to get share my feelings..and it helps...but if you see me in public I won't talk about it...most people wouldn't even know the pain in my heart. The ones close to me can look in my eyes and notice that the sparkle is gone and know if I am okay or not.

I will be okay..but for this week...I am not! Just let me hurt..Let me heal...give me hugs and tell me you love me but don't expect me to talk about it...and please do not take this the wrong way...this is just the way I handle things...not to mention I can't talk about with out tears running down my face and I am trying to stop that...plus..in public it would ruin my makeup...and we all know how much I love Make-up!! I love everyone who reads my blog...I am glad that you do...I am glad that people can read my blog and it somehow helps them...that makes all this pain worth it. I am also glad that the people that read this can know how I really feel...seriously tho--thanks for the love, the prayers, and believing in me!

I woke up this morning!

Well...I woke up this morning...very angry I might add that I was still alive. When I went to sleep last night I begged for God to end this world so that I wouldnt have to cry anymore. You may think this is a little drastic and a little drama queenish but it is how I felt. Let me tell you about it...so maybe once I get this off my chest I can quit with the tears...

Yesterday was the start of my 54th day of my cycle...thats right almost 2 months late for my period. Don't think that I am pregnant...because I have taken by this point 4 pregnancy tests and all were negative in less than 2 min. No this was the day that I had an appoinment with my Dr. to see what was wrong with me. I explained to Dr. Giddens that I have had very regular cycles since I first started when I was like 12. Never missing a cycle except for that short time when I was pregnant. He asked me a whole slew of questions which I of course will spare you those details. Than he asked me about my weight...I told him about how I had been fat before and never missed any cycles and didn't see how that would be the reason. He asked me how fast I had gained this weight this time...of course we all know from a post before that I have gained 60+ pounds since last September/October '08. I told him this with huge fat tears welling up in my eyes...explaining that it has been a rough year and that I can't seem to kick this depression problem I have been having. He told me that my quick weight gain was the cause of my problems and this rapid weight gain and had ceased my ovulation and my cycle.

Game plan: He gave me meds to start and meds to help me loose weight. Once I start I have begun my new cycle; if I don't start again the following month I will have to start the pills again. If I can't get regular by Feb. or March I will have to get back on Birth Control for another 3 months...If that doesn't work I will have to begin fertilty drugs...Meanwhile he wants me to try and loose weight.

I remembered back from the horrid ultra sound when we saw that my baby was no longer there several months ago that I had a cyst on my ovary...I brought this up and asked if he thought that I had any reason to fear..Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome...he looked at me and said well yes..that is what we are skirting around in not so many words. He said that he was sure that I prob still had the same cyst if not more there now and those were all caused my rapid weight gain and could be why I have had trouble loosing weight here lately. You see I told him that I had been working out and had been eating much better with no real luck and thats when he offered to write me a script to help out.

After talking this through with him and the new game plan...he said: Courtney, You don't look happy...this is when I started crying and said...None of this should be happening to me...as I sucked up my tears he said a few things that I heard as...blah blah blah ( I wasn't listening)..he shook my hand and said that everything was going to ok...I was young and had my health.

I walked out to my car and sat there in the silence and felt tears run down my face..tear after tear...my heart was aching!

I caused this... yeah, I have had a real suckie go at it, but bottom line is that I ate food...and we all know that even looking at food makes me gain weight and I actually ate it. Anti- depressants+ food+ never ending bad things happening= EXTREMLEY OVERWEIGHTNESS...and this is the reason that I can't get pregnant and now I have to go and tell Keith that I am the reason that I can't give him the baby that we both want so terribly bad.

What really makes me mad is that I lost 40 pounds over a year ago so that Keith and I could have a baby..but since it took a year for Keith to get a job we had to wait till he had a job before we got pregnant...during this year wait is when I started gaining weight and all the other terrible things went on...and now I am apparently so fat I am "skirting" around infertility...WHAT....how did this happen...What did I do that I am being punished for.

I am so angry...so upset...and the worst of it is....that I feel like- prayer doesn't work. I begged...fallen on my face..weeping..pleading and praying that God would save my baby and he didn't and I prayed...with tear stained eyes and drool down my face begging for everything to be ok with me and once again..God has let me down. I know that I am not seeing the BIG picture but right now...Im terribly upset. this is where the title of this post comes from..I laid my head down on my pillow after refusing to go to church and said with a single tear...please God make this end!!

---and I woke up!

Absolutley Nothing!

I just wanted to make a note that we have led an extremely boring life since Tom's Farm. We bought a very difficult puzzle and have been working on that just about every night and we are still not done. When we are done I will post some awesome pics. I did get my house finished pretty much...but every time I think of taking pictures its dirty again so as soon as I get it all cleaned up I will take pics so we an see what I have done. I also hosted Bunco at my house and decorated for the Ladies' Day and Bartlett Woods C of C....so basically I need to find some pics of each of these things and do a longer detailed post...so lets say that this post is a "WHat is to come"...Yall have a good days until we meet again!

Good Ole Tom

Last night we went to Tom's Farm out chere in Fayette County to pick us a pukin...note: that was said in the most country vernacular I could think of. We traveled by car following Rob, Karlye, and Ryder(in a truck) worried that we would get stuck in the mud since it has been raining for two months...(we didn't by the way) On the way Seth wanted to know if we were driving all the way to California or to the end of the earth..haha!

We had a great time! They had all sorts of stuff to do, hayrides, haunted corn mazes, play grounds, and plenty of space to make a fire and hang out with family and friends. We did none of that! haha..It was cold and we weren't prepared for all that fun. We went there to pick out a family pumpkin and that we did! Here are a couple of pics!

Another one bites the dust!

Two months down...no baby yet.

Keith and I were pretty happy when the start day of my cycle came and went without even a hint of starting. I took a pregnancy test but only one line...5 days went by...I was ready to take another test-maybe the first one was wrong.?>! I got up ready to take my test only to discover my special monthly prize was just beginning...not to mention I had already wasted the test!!..boooo!

Why my body is so cruel to me I will never know but I guess I can no longer count on my cycle being regular. Before my miscarriage I was super super regular...3:00 on a Tuesday...now...Who knows!!??!?!?

I have really gotten Keith excited about the prospect of a baby and it kills me that I can't seem to make that happen.

Oh well maybe next month...

I Did it!!!!

Well after two failed attempts....I am officially a member of the Oakland 24/7 Fitness.

Karlye and I went up there last Friday to check it out and to see if that was something we wanted to do. Keith and I decided that it was something that we should do since both of us are out of shape. We went up there on Tuesday evening to sign up and pay our dues and the lady that cut us a "deal" was not there so we went home. I went up there yesterday...as in Friday to sign up at 4:25 and guess what...THE OFFICE CLOSED @ 4:00...sooo...I decided I would give them one more shot..Keith and I went up there this afternoon and signed up and paid our dues..we got our keys and we are set! We went on with our day and as we were sitting on our Love Seat watching the Alabama/ Arkansas game I decided that I was gonna go work out! Keith decided to stay home and start dinner so I went by myself! I did it...I did it!

When I walked in the first person I saw (of course) was this Tall, Leggie, Blonde, Perfect Bod, Cute outfit, Barely sweating , skinny twerp of a girl working out on the Elliptical Machine...now I am sure that she is just wonderful and I am sure I will probably meet her and be best friends with her now that I said all of this..haha..but it sure was discouraging from the get-go. I hopped on the "Torture Machine" and worked out for about 3 min. when I thought I might fall out..haha! Blondie got off her machine around this time and it said that she had worked out for 35 minutes and had burned almost 300 calories...of course now...I have got competition...I said...HA..Ill show her..I can do that. Well when 12:00 min. had passed I decided that maybe my legs would fall off soon...but as I counted down the minutes I finally finished 35 minutes of torture!!! I burned 235 calories...not as awesome as Blondie but its a start.

Thanks Blondie for encouraging me to FIGHT!

What happened to September?

I can't believe that it is September 25th. This month has flown by and I almost didn't notice. I haven't done much to speak of this month...that is probably why I have not written a post on this Blog since August. Well let me update...since the last time I posted I went to the beach with my co-workers; we stayed in a house in San Destin..let me see if I can find a picture...


It is a great house and we had 11 people staying there this year...We had a good time even at the Dental Seminars...I did not take any pictures this year because I have gained so much weight and do not want any record of my fatness on the beach!! We go to two days of seminars and the rest of the trip is spent on the beach. Everyone got along swimmingly this year...no arguments, no fights...so that should be commended!! Way to go BDC (Bartlett Dental Clinic) girls!

While I was away..my buddy Sheri had her baby...Tucker Reed was born on September 10th..I have been going over to visit pretty regularly! He is a doll!

This past weekend was Keith's Harding Academy High School Reunion...class of 99..we had a good time! A great picnic at Shelby Farms...and thankfully the rain held off for us to have a good time! Saturday night we had a terrific dinner at Occasions..good food and great friends to enjoy!

Other than those three events..nothing has happened.

On the matters of my heart...I would be lying if I said I was better so I won't. Keith and I have been "trying" but with no results yet. I mentioned earlier in this post that I had gained weight...I really have...you may try to tell me that I haven't but you would just be lying for my sake. I have gained 63 pounds since last September...wow...what an accomplishment!..humph! I want so badly to loose weight...but I feel like I am up against a battle that cannot be won. I have been battling depression all year and it looks like I have lost the battle. Last September my dad was diagnosed with Prostate cancer and in the same month my grandmother was diagnosed with a terminal brain cancer. My dad had the cancer removed and is cancer free but cancer got my maw maw...with all this going on I could not handle my anxiety by myself and started having terrible dizzy spells and headaches...My doctor prescribed an anti depressant/anti anxiety medication to help me. It helped tremendously except that it made me not care. The weight gain started at this point. I was Jazzercising and hurt my hip shortly after and could no longer exercise. Every step and every movement hurt...it is alot better now but still hurts. This pain just made me sit around and did not help one bit. I got off my anti depressant at the end of February so that it would be out of my system when I got pregnant. We bought a house and closed on April 30th. We got pregnant and we lost our baby as we all know. Now I am fat and sad. I am so upset with myself and am to depressed to get motivated to do anything about it. I wait for this magical day to come about when I am going to snap out of it...ohhh when will this day come! I pray every morning for God to help me just get from hour to hour. I have been trying all week to get motivated to join the Gym down the street...I am really going to try hard today to go...but I am so sleepy and have laundry to do...so we will see! If anyone reads this besides me please pray for me to snap out of it and to get better! hopefully It won't be a month before I will post again!

A New Beginning!

Well..
This week started pretty dim and depressing.
On Sunday I was filled with anger and sadness...why did I have to have a miscarriage...why did God let this happen. It made it pretty much impossible to enjoy worship on Sunday. I pretty much was surrounded by pregnancy and babies. This added to my realization that I had gained back and more of all the weight that I had worked so hard to loose had sent me into the worst depressed state. Not only was I fat but now that I was no longer pregnant I had no excuse. The pity party that I was throwing in my head left me in a miserable mood. I went to work on Monday with the worst attitude and bit off some of my co-workers heads...I was less than fun to be around.

The next day was a little better...we had some great friends invite us over for dinner that night so I was looking forward to hanging out with someone that didn't have kids but just loved us and wanted to hang out and make us laugh. We had a great time..the food was great, the glass of wine was awesome, and the company was amazing!

Wednesday...I stayed out to late...haha..I was tired! the sad part...I was dreading going to church that night(this is not normal...I love my church family)...I did not want to hear..everything is going to be fine...or..oh, Ive been there you will get through this. Nothing that anyone could say to me would make it better...or make my baby come back...I was just plain sad and tired!

Thursday...went to work..things are looking up...I am feeling better and am looking forward to spending the evening at home with my hubby and work on my projects. I made a some great enchiladas and made some cookies for dinner at Nick and Sheri's house...and made a baby bib...its the project that I had been wanting to do but couldn't bring my heart to do it....I made one and started on my second one but ran out of bias tape...can't wait to give the finished one to Jess tomorrow for baby Paxton that was coming the next day.

Friday...got up went to my final doctor appointment for my miscarriage...got the news that everything was clear and back to normal..it's over..my nightmare is finally over...I accepted that fact...he told us that we were clear to start trying again if we hadn't already...he looked up at me and I told him we already were...he said that was great! He patted me on the knee and said hopefully I'll see you in here real soon! After that...I ran some errands since I was in town and waited for Karlye to meet me so we could go to Muddy's cupcake shop...its great...everyone go there. When we were done..I met Sheri to run her errands and went to her Dr. appt. with Dr. Giddens...yep same doc I saw earlier that same day. After that...we went and met Paxton Adam Coile in the horsepital...he was so sweet and got to hold him for a while...I think this helped me more than anyone will know....Dinner..was over at Nick and Sheri's and we had a good time...came home and got a great nights rest!

Saturday...its still early...who knows what is in store! ...well I am going to go find JoAnn's fabric store to see if they have that bias tape since no one else does...and I am going out with some girlfriends tonight...things are looking pretty good.

I can't promise that I won't cry...but I am feeling closer to normal.

What a Ride!- 8-15-09

I wrote this last saturday 8-15-09...I forgot to post it...oops!

This is long but it explains pretty much everything so....ohh and this can be graphic so don't read it if you don't want to be grossed out!

I found out that I was pregnant on July 21st.

I went to the doctor that Friday and the doctor said I was pregnant but couldn't confirm how far along I was. I had low hormone levels and we would have to wait until I could have an ultra sound to see how far along I really was. By the method of the day of your last period...I was to be due on March 25th or so. They (Doctor's office wanted me to come in again and retake my blood and hormone levels the following week so I went in and again they said the same thing. I was beginning to get worried and confused. The doctor and the nurse would never answer the questions that were flying thru my mind and I ended up having a fight with the nurse and fired them. I found a new doctor that some friends from church use and went to him. I made an appt for the 14th for my first ultra sound and meeting with him. This was on Monday the 3rd. On Tuesday night I went to the bathroom and there was brown goop when I wiped...since it was brown I didn't freak out but kept a watch on it. By wednesday night every fifth wipe or so I had a little bit of red. now...I am freaking out! Thursday morn. I called my doc (the new one) and they got me in that afternoon. After looking at my hormone levels and the fact that I was bleeding some he had me do an internal ultra sound. This showed him that the baby sac had not grown since 4 weeks and I should be at 7 1/2 weeks. He took me to his office and told me that he was 98% sure that I was going to miscarry. He wanted to take some blood to chk my hormone levels to see how quickly the miscarriage was going to occur. I grieved all night and all day on Friday( the sad fact was that I was in charge of the decorations for my best friend at church's baby shower on Saturday so I was making a diaper cake all day long ..weeping over tiny diapers).

On Friday afternoon the nurse called me and told me that Dr. Giddens wanted to see me on Monday...being confused I asked why and she said that my numbers had gone up drastically and unusually and he wanted to recheck them. She said maybe your not going to miscarry after all. I didn't want to get my hopes up but there was a little bit of me that was hoping for this miracle. I went in on Monday and they took some more blood. meanwhile on Sunday...we were to have our care group over to our house so all day long I was working, working, working. My back started to ache that afternoon and I blew it off as being tired and working so hard. By that night I was bleeding more heavily... and this continued to get worse...pain in my back, bleeding and cramps...I was sure by this point that there was no hope. On Tuesday the nurse called me and told me that my numbers had gone up again...much to my surprise. He wanted to see me again on Wednesday morning. I went in on Wed. and he wanted to do a uterine biopsy to see if that would tell us what was going on. When he did this (and by the way...way painful...put that back in your memory so you won't be surprised if you have to have that)...when he went in he said that I was already miscarrying and there was a large amount of tissue lodged at the cervix..he said that when he pulls the biopsy wand out it would more likely pull out some tissue...he did and sure enough it did...I guess since I was hoping for the best I had ignored the amount of blood that was coming out...the majority of my miscarriage happened on that day, Wednesday. I went home and painfully wept all day. He gave me pain medication to help with my terrible cramps and those help a lot. This is def. the worst thing that has ever happened to me...the pain in my heart is sometimes unbearable. I try to keep busy so I don't think about it... I went to work yesterday (Thursday) and I had been planning a surprise baby shower for my other best friend at church both of which are due in a week or so....that shower was last night...I handled it pretty well I think..no tears and only smiles...I can be very strong when I really want to be..haha. Today is the first time that i have been by myself since Wednesday morn. and I will say it is harder this morn. I will get better and I know this pain will ease up with time. The good news about all of this is that since it was an early miscarriage he said that i would be able to try again right away...as soon as I stop bleeding completely I will ovulate and we can try again. and that is what we will do!! WELL... thats what happened...i know this is long and detailed..sorry about the graphics...but i wanted you to know the true story!

A Blog!!

Well I never would have thought that I would be roped into this... but here I am!!

My dad (Danny) recently told me that I should be keeping a journal of some kind so that I can remember all the craziness that I have been going through in the last month...and I thought of a blog since that is the hip thing to do these days.

I will be posting more and more in the up coming days...but for now that is all I have got!

So in the meantime...Stay Classy San Diego!