I woke up this morning!

Well...I woke up this morning...very angry I might add that I was still alive. When I went to sleep last night I begged for God to end this world so that I wouldnt have to cry anymore. You may think this is a little drastic and a little drama queenish but it is how I felt. Let me tell you about it...so maybe once I get this off my chest I can quit with the tears...

Yesterday was the start of my 54th day of my cycle...thats right almost 2 months late for my period. Don't think that I am pregnant...because I have taken by this point 4 pregnancy tests and all were negative in less than 2 min. No this was the day that I had an appoinment with my Dr. to see what was wrong with me. I explained to Dr. Giddens that I have had very regular cycles since I first started when I was like 12. Never missing a cycle except for that short time when I was pregnant. He asked me a whole slew of questions which I of course will spare you those details. Than he asked me about my weight...I told him about how I had been fat before and never missed any cycles and didn't see how that would be the reason. He asked me how fast I had gained this weight this time...of course we all know from a post before that I have gained 60+ pounds since last September/October '08. I told him this with huge fat tears welling up in my eyes...explaining that it has been a rough year and that I can't seem to kick this depression problem I have been having. He told me that my quick weight gain was the cause of my problems and this rapid weight gain and had ceased my ovulation and my cycle.

Game plan: He gave me meds to start and meds to help me loose weight. Once I start I have begun my new cycle; if I don't start again the following month I will have to start the pills again. If I can't get regular by Feb. or March I will have to get back on Birth Control for another 3 months...If that doesn't work I will have to begin fertilty drugs...Meanwhile he wants me to try and loose weight.

I remembered back from the horrid ultra sound when we saw that my baby was no longer there several months ago that I had a cyst on my ovary...I brought this up and asked if he thought that I had any reason to fear..Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome...he looked at me and said well yes..that is what we are skirting around in not so many words. He said that he was sure that I prob still had the same cyst if not more there now and those were all caused my rapid weight gain and could be why I have had trouble loosing weight here lately. You see I told him that I had been working out and had been eating much better with no real luck and thats when he offered to write me a script to help out.

After talking this through with him and the new game plan...he said: Courtney, You don't look happy...this is when I started crying and said...None of this should be happening to me...as I sucked up my tears he said a few things that I heard as...blah blah blah ( I wasn't listening)..he shook my hand and said that everything was going to ok...I was young and had my health.

I walked out to my car and sat there in the silence and felt tears run down my face..tear after tear...my heart was aching!

I caused this... yeah, I have had a real suckie go at it, but bottom line is that I ate food...and we all know that even looking at food makes me gain weight and I actually ate it. Anti- depressants+ food+ never ending bad things happening= EXTREMLEY OVERWEIGHTNESS...and this is the reason that I can't get pregnant and now I have to go and tell Keith that I am the reason that I can't give him the baby that we both want so terribly bad.

What really makes me mad is that I lost 40 pounds over a year ago so that Keith and I could have a baby..but since it took a year for Keith to get a job we had to wait till he had a job before we got pregnant...during this year wait is when I started gaining weight and all the other terrible things went on...and now I am apparently so fat I am "skirting" around infertility...WHAT....how did this happen...What did I do that I am being punished for.

I am so angry...so upset...and the worst of it is....that I feel like- prayer doesn't work. I begged...fallen on my face..weeping..pleading and praying that God would save my baby and he didn't and I prayed...with tear stained eyes and drool down my face begging for everything to be ok with me and once again..God has let me down. I know that I am not seeing the BIG picture but right now...Im terribly upset. this is where the title of this post comes from..I laid my head down on my pillow after refusing to go to church and said with a single tear...please God make this end!!

---and I woke up!