Let me just clarify...

Keith read my blog and and was very upset that I didn't want to live anymore...This is really not the case. I Just asked God to end the World so that everything would be over. God/Jesus coming again would End it all including my struggle. No one would have tears ever again. I would never in a BO-ZILLION years want to end my life intentionally. No suicidal thoughts...I don't want to die and give up on this life...It just would have been nice for God/Jesus to come back to earth on Wednesday night and take me to heaven so I would never have to worry again..not to mention I am hoping that the day I get to heaven I will get to meet the precious soul that I lost.

Another note to clarify--I have not given up on God and my faith...No one has ever said that I couldn't be mad at God and the way he allows things to happen. I understand that God hasn't answered my prayers in the way that I want which totally SUCKS...because it has caused me so much pain. I do know that(right now...deep in my soul) that he does answer prayers.

I also know that one day I will look back at all this and laugh and think..."Dear God..I just didn't know"...but right now...I don't know...and my heart hurts..and everywhere I look there are babies, pregnant women, children telling their mommies that they love them...every commercial that comes on the TV feel like it is aimed at me to hurt me...

Lastly...I am not a person to talk about my feelings..to other people...I used to only cry when I got realllllllly angry...I felt that tears were a sign of weakness. I was a strong, independant young lady...full of bubbly happiness, sparkling eyes and a hopeful heart...funny how things change so quickly...my favorite quote from my mom: Life is not fair-than you die...Now...I cry at everything...I feel like my sparkle is gone..my job requires me to be bubbly and do it but not without concentration..everysong I sing at church causes this horrible knot in my throat to take my voice away...and I love singing! I say all of this..to say...I don't talk about my feelings with really anyone...Keith of course but my main friends don't really know...I started this blog for me to have a way to get share my feelings..and it helps...but if you see me in public I won't talk about it...most people wouldn't even know the pain in my heart. The ones close to me can look in my eyes and notice that the sparkle is gone and know if I am okay or not.

I will be okay..but for this week...I am not! Just let me hurt..Let me heal...give me hugs and tell me you love me but don't expect me to talk about it...and please do not take this the wrong way...this is just the way I handle things...not to mention I can't talk about with out tears running down my face and I am trying to stop that...plus..in public it would ruin my makeup...and we all know how much I love Make-up!! I love everyone who reads my blog...I am glad that you do...I am glad that people can read my blog and it somehow helps them...that makes all this pain worth it. I am also glad that the people that read this can know how I really feel...seriously tho--thanks for the love, the prayers, and believing in me!